DorEm Answers

Emily,

As you may know, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a Liz Taylor biopic to be aired on Lifetime.  It looks terrible.  Why do people care about Elizabeth Taylor?  Why do people care about Linsay Lohan?  Why is the styling of this film so bad?  So many questions.

Dorigen

Dorigen,

Before I prattle on about the perfect abomination that is Lohan-Taylor, I will first offer a suggested song to listen to while reading my response:

This song is suggested for 3 reasons:

1)      There is a brief mention of Elizabeth Taylor.

2)      Gary Newman is my spirit animal; I’m just sayin’.  

3)      Also, I foresee no future opportunity to share my (yes, brilliant) idea of a re-staging of this song, involving siren calls and the surrounding of a cyclopean statue of Cthulhu.

“I’m in love with a sailor, a sailor who’s in love with the sea,” indeed.

Back on topic, seeing your provided image of Lindsay But-I-Lost-My-Passport Lohan, dressed in a $12.07 Elizabeth Taylor Halloween costume, I am reminded of the insult that was once Aniston / Streisand: 

Whoever thought of this “artful” moment should have been fired halfway through the first pitch sentence.  Unless, of course, it was Streisand herself, who has the personal right to see a painted cliché of her former self, as interpreted by some girl from “Friends,” if she wants to.  No wait, even Streisand should have been fired.  

However, whoever thought of casting Lohan as Taylor in a made for TV film about her relationship with Dick, should be sent fan mail. 

FAN MAIL, I say!  Made for TV anything, has a special set of rules, known as nonsense.  May I remind the U. S. of A., that we collectively accepted and participated in the Drew Barrymore / Alyssa Milano / some legitimate third actress’ simultaneous telecasts of the Amy Fisher story?  

Bad ideas are what make TV Land so endearing, so embarrassing, so terribly wonderful.  Lindsay Lohan’s involvement in “Liz & Dick” could only be out shined by her involvement in an imagined all female cast version of “Moby Dick” for the Lifetime Network.  Fingers crossed for 2013.

I cannot wait to see this Elizabeth Taylor nonsense.  Will they cake makeup over Lohan’s freckles?  Will the purple contacts be neon?  Will Lohan’s years of drinking actually make her look older than John Michael Higgins, who is 23 years her senior?  Will we be able to catch a glimpse of a do-rag under an obvious wig?  Will there be an appearance of Emmanuel Lewis as a young Michael Jackson?  

If this movie is to be any kind of success, the answer to all of these questions needs to be “yes, of course.”

Love, 

Emily

P. S. To learn more about the Chthulu references you have seen here today, visit your local library, and then follow the scent of pimple cream.  I will be the one in the cape.  

Emily,

What are your feelings about Robsten and the recent traumatic events that have devastated millions of Twihards, myself included?  Is the dream over?  Will there be no more Terrible fan art?

Dorigen

Dorigen,

I must admit that I wish Robsten had seen their relationship through to some ridiculous wedding, and perhaps a half breed child of pale coloring.  The charm of Them was not because of a decadently-terrible-movie romance realized; I just genuinely (or naively) thought they were a cool couple, never fully admitting their coupledom. 

Initially, I was less heartbroken, and more disappointed, disappointed that Kristen Stewart is a dumbass after all.  She finally admits that she is in a relationship with Rob, but does so in a public letter of apology for cheating with her married director.  The Robsten relationship officially ended and started for us simultaneously.  The letter should have gone to Rob only, and she should have said nothing to us because their relationship has never been any of our business anyway. 

But its women who wear the scarlet letter.  The affair cost Kristen the starring role in subsequent “Huntsmen” films; meanwhile, the married with children director she slept with gets to keep his job and his wife.  Horrifying.  I instantly forgive her for the affair, the betrayal of that cute-but-too-far-apart-eyed heartthrob, and for sharing her passed note of apology with the class. 

Emily

Emily,

Please explain the media’s obsession with the sordid tale of the billionaire Rausing couple and their descent into drug addiction and death and how it may or may not relate to the novels of V.C. Andrews.

Dorigen

Dorigen

Thank you for the best question ever, because I am fascinated with this story.   I will now relay the events in V.C. Andrews styling, i.e. episodically, with a prequel and an epilogue. 

Book 1

Hans Rausing (unemployed and filthy rich) is pulled over by the police for erratic driving; he is clearly drunk.  In his car, the cops find drugs and a bag containing unopened letters addressed to his wife, Eva.  Who knows what crazed nonsense comes out of his mouth after he explains that his wife is in “California,” because this (all-too-common) drunk driving incident arouses so much suspicion that a warrant is immediately issued to search the house of Hans.

Book 2

 With search warrant in hand, the police enter the Rausing mansion with the intent to search for drugs.  The drug search does occur and they do find a lot (cocaine, heroin, crack, etc), but that happens after the cops follow the smell of a rotting corpse. 

Book 3

In a room filled with flies, Eva’s body is found under a 4 foot pile of clothes and garbage.  This is a taped shut room within a room with in a room with in an annex of a mansion filled with such convergences, with all doors barricaded by various pieces of furniture.  Of course, these precautions do not barricade the smell.  Her body is in advanced stages of decay – initial reports suggesting 4 days, but it turns out to be months.    

Book 4

 After an autopsy, the cause of Eva’s death is still unknown, presumably because of the massive decay.  Hans is arrested, but not questioned until many days later, due to his very real medical need for alcohol detoxification.  Hans is later officially charged with “preventing the lawful and decent burial” of his wife.  This shy, ne’er-do-well, confused, vacant billionaire is then sentenced to a suspended jail term of 10 months.  

Book 5 – Prequel

Hans was not charged with murder, because Eva was on borrowed time.  She had a pacemaker, she was once caught with thousands of dollars of crack, and she lost her mind at some regal social event at Buckingham Palace.  She knew she was going to die; everyone knew she was going to die.  Check out the Eva Rausing “death emails” – http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2173635/Eva-Rausing-death-Emails-edge-tragedy-struck.html. 

Epilogue

 I actually think the news media has done a decent job sympathetically reporting on this salacious story.  Eva had a drug problem, which led to her death, and Hans has a drug problem, which led to his crazed problem solving skills.  I wonder what will be said when this happens to my boy.

Love,

Emily

P.S. Recommended Readings…

A)    http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/12/world/europe/british-tabloids-afire-with-death-of-heiress-eva-rausing.html?_r=1&pagewanted=1

B)    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/law-and-order/9409092/Eva-Rausings-body-found-under-bin-bags-two-months-after-she-was-last-seen-alive.html

C)    http://www.nytimes.com/2012/08/02/world/europe/tetra-pak-heir-pleads-guilty-to-preventing-wifes-burial.html