Monthly Archives: February 2012

Feb 28 2012
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People

Welcome to my Home

Dear Emily,

I have moved into the Money Pit.  A wall is falling down, there’s a hole in the kitchen floor, and none of the outlets have more than two prongs.  I was genuinely curious why the rent was so cheap.  Now I know.

My life has become a family comedy.  But it’s not funny.  Then again, neither was this:

Which leads me to my question.  Do you remember the late 1980s?  What happened between then and now that turned Ice Cube from Gangsta:

To loveable pudgy everyman starring in family films?

Just curious.

Dorigen

Dorigen,

Yes, “what DID happen to Ice Cube?!”  …and to Ice T for that matter.  This man made the term “cop killer” popular, and then promptly played one on TV, “Law and Order: SVU,” or should I say, SUV (the family vehicle, *snap*). 

OR, should I say “SWV” (Sisters with Voices, and very long finger nails), because according to this, they are making a come back this year with a song entitled “I Missed Us.”  Me too girls, me too.

But, I’m clearly just stalling in answering your very valid question about Ice Cube.  The easy answer would be for me to say that he “sold out,” but really what I think happened here was that he just “grew up.”  The man has five children, and perhaps tried to do right by them. 

Now, one could argue that you can “keep it real,” even with a large brood, like Ol’Dirty Bastard.  But, then again, he was once filmed taking his THIRTEEN children to the welfare office.  That crazy, beautiful man has had so many children and such a nonsense art style that I feel I should have taken a blood test a long time ago. 

daddy?

I stand by my answer of Ice Cube just growing up; like Stuart Smalley, he metaphorically decided to wear a new sweater one day, albeit a really lame sweater. 

To put this into a personal perspective… If I’d stayed true to my goth high school days, my distain for the world would be much less upbeat, and a hundred times less cute.

Change is a good thing, so long as it makes you happy and/or a lot of money.    

Emily 

P.S. We will work on the new place when I visit next weekend!  Sisters!

Feb 26 2012
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Ideas

Benson vs. Kudos

Dorigen & P/O,

While Dorigen is in the process of moving from Manhattan to Brooklyn, I thought I’d take a look at another question submitted by P/O:

“What is the relationship between TV’s Benson and Kudos candy bars? Provide links.”

Initially, I assumed that this was a nonsensical question, like Alice in Wonderland’s “Why is a raven like a writing desk?”  This is something with no answer, but the question itself implies some specific response.

And then I saw this:

This Kudos commercial reads like any 80’s sitcom with a cast of exaggerated / unrealistic characters that deserve to be mocked.  Benson, the straight talking butler, would have had many an off-handed comment to say about these “Krazy” for Kudos people / off-off-Broadway musical understudies.

Also, is this question about race?  Is this another instance of the “white people are crazy” comedy standard, with the African American being the voice of reason?  It’s often hard to argue with this stance.  I mean, have you seen Lawrence Welk?!

In the case of Benson, he seems to be the most capable and human of the bunch, yet he is not the head of the household of crazies.  Sitcoms and advertisements may not be realistic portrayals of our everyday lives, but they point to conventions that wide audiences can understand.  Benson and Kudos are not afraid to serotype into hilariously ridiculous proportions, and perhaps that’s why they’re both so offensively delicious.

Emily

Feb 24 2012
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Things

Crocks

Dorigen and P/O,

Here is an easy-to-answer question from one of our devoted readers (or is it “our one devoted reader?”):

“Which is worse: men in polo shirts, khakis, and woven leather belts _or_ crocks?”

This…

Equals this…

To go about this another way, I will answer your question with another question – “What is worse than Crocks?”  That might be one of those “What is the sound of one hand clapping?” questions – there is no answer, only contemplation.

Ok, except for that one time when Bart Simpson made a clapping sound with one hand, and also the fact that Ugg boots are just as bad as Crocks, but you get where I’m going with this.  Crocks are the anti-Christ to holy shoe worship.

Meanwhile, the polo / khaki / woven belt combo is not all that bad if in a proper fit.

See, J Crew knows what I’m talking about.

But, then again, as mentioned in my bio (see the “About” page) I am so into the preppy/boho look these days that I actually saw fit to add it to my two sentence bio.

Emily

Feb 23 2012
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Ideas

Cobrasnaking

Dorigen,

Please explain cobrasnaking in detail, including recommended posing tips and visual examples.

Work.  I’m forreals in need of some tried and true practices to make me look cute in photos.  I am tired of the busted nonsense that I have to untag on Facebook, because everybody and their mother has a camera phone and feels the need to share.

Emily

Emily,

The Cobrasnake is a website run by some dude named Mark Hunter, who looks kind of douchey and caused a buzz with his site a few years ago. 

He basically goes to bars and parties and takes pictures of drunk hipsters posing.  I shamefacedly include myself in the sea of said posing hipsters (see above).  He spawned a bunch of copycats and along with the party sites and the style blogs, it seemed like you couldn’t leave the house without finding young people dressed up, posing and taking pictures of each other.  Much ridicule and backlash ensued:

Typical Cobrasnake poses are done in dark bars, holding drinks, preferably cans of PBR.  Poses are sexy and dead-eyed and flashy clothes are worn.  Wacky props are always helpful.

Women are frequently in various states of undress and often use their hair pulled across their face to make a moustache.    Bonus points are given if you somehow are able to pose with Chloe Sevigny or celebrity DJ Steve Aoki. 

I am an old married lady and no longer have the energy to go to bars, so can only take you this far. 

Dorigen

Feb 22 2012
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Things

Mullet Shirt

Dorigen & P/O,

Let’s take a look at another question submitted by our fan:

“Explain blouses with a low waistline in the back and a high waistline in the front.”

Ah, the mullet shirt.  In contrast to the haircut, the top is all business in the back and a scantily clad party in the front (the business being hiding a lower back tramp stamp and the party being showing off a contoured, spray-tanned midriff and/or high waisted pant or skort).

haaaaaaaaay

I must admit that I did not find the mullet shirt strange in the 80’s. A friend of mine had an oversized white button down version that was very pseudo-tux shirt/tux jacket.  Why buy both?  And I thought she was working it with black stirrup leggings and black velvet flats.  I also remember a lot of standard cut shirts being tucked in the front and loose in the back; the mullet shirt must have been some sort of emulation of that conspicuously “casual” styling.

I feel like this trend started to cover up all those flat asses in the 80’s.  For years I was convinced that Queen’s song “Fat Bottom Girls” was in fact “Flat Bottom Girls,” because all the “ladies” in the hair rock videos wore high wasted bikinis that did nothing for their backside.

Now the hipsters are coveting all things from the 80’s and 90’s, with no discerning eye for ugliness.  I wish the kids were employing a sense of irony, but instead it all seems to be just a gross misunderstanding.  I blame Urban Outfitters for this massive fashion confusion of a generation.

We wore mullet shirts because we were trying something new, something beachy, and we were wrong.  Learn from our mistakes; don’t repeat them.

Emily

Feb 21 2012
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Things

Chokers

Emily,

I am too busy at work to have complete thoughts today so have gone to the comments for this one.  Thanks P/O.
“Chokers: soon to be back in style?”

God, I hope not,

Dorigen

Dorigen and P/O,

May I first just point out that I 100% have Shannen Doherty’s hair from the above picture right now.  I was also recently told that I look like Daria, but that I “probably get that comment a lot.”

*Ahem*, I DO NOT get that comment a lot, and I hope to never get it again by NEVER being seen with my arms crossed and in a surly disposition.  Wait, I’m sort of surly right now and crossing my arms over this keyboard.  Still, thank you, my dear sister, for pointing out that at least I wasn’t told I look like Velma.

Zoinks!  I guess you’re right.  Anywho, I concur with my sister’s concern about chokers.  This happened recently…

…and it is a sign of the Apocalypse.  An Apocalypse caused by us all choking ourselves to decadently bejeweled death.  Let the neck breath!  What?  A high neckline isn’t demure enough and you have to cover up the inches between it and your chin?  Show us a small patch of skin, so we know you’re still alive.

Confession time: I remember that in the 1990’s (high school) I used to perma-wear a black ribbon knotted around my neck.  It would rot off after a couple of months, and then I’d replace it with another.

Now I see fit to judge others, and I thank you to stare.

Emily

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