Elizabeth Taylor

Emily,

As you may know, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a Liz Taylor biopic to be aired on Lifetime. It looks terrible. Why do people care about Elizabeth Taylor? Why do people care about Linsay Lohan? Why is the styling of this film so bad? So many questions.

Dorigen

Dorigen,

Before I prattle on about the perfect abomination that is Lohan-Taylor, I will first offer a suggested song to listen to while reading my response:

This song is suggested for 3 reasons:

1) There is a brief mention of Elizabeth Taylor.

2) Gary Newman is my spirit animal; I’m just sayin’.

3) Also, I foresee no future opportunity to share my (yes, brilliant) idea of a re-staging of this song, involving siren calls and the surrounding of a cyclopean statue of Cthulhu.

“I’m in love with a sailor, a sailor who’s in love with the sea,” indeed.

Back on topic, seeing your provided image of Lindsay But-I-Lost-My-Passport Lohan, dressed in a $12.07 Elizabeth Taylor Halloween costume, I am reminded of the insult that was once Aniston / Streisand:

Whoever thought of this “artful” moment should have been fired halfway through the first pitch sentence. Unless, of course, it was Streisand herself, who has the personal right to see a painted cliché of her former self, as interpreted by some girl from “Friends,” if she wants to. No wait, even Streisand should have been fired.

However, whoever thought of casting Lohan as Taylor in a made for TV film about her relationship with Dick, should be sent fan mail.

FAN MAIL, I say! Made for TV anything, has a special set of rules, known as nonsense. May I remind the U. S. of A., that we collectively accepted and participated in the Drew Barrymore / Alyssa Milano / some legitimate third actress’ simultaneous telecasts of the Amy Fisher story?

Bad ideas are what make TV Land so endearing, so embarrassing, so terribly wonderful. Lindsay Lohan’s involvement in “Liz & Dick” could only be out shined by her involvement in an imagined all female cast version of “Moby Dick” for the Lifetime Network. Fingers crossed for 2013.

I cannot wait to see this Elizabeth Taylor nonsense. Will they cake makeup over Lohan’s freckles? Will the purple contacts be neon? Will Lohan’s years of drinking actually make her look older than John Michael Higgins, who is 23 years her senior? Will we be able to catch a glimpse of a do-rag under an obvious wig? Will there be an appearance of Emmanuel Lewis as a young Michael Jackson?

If this movie is to be any kind of success, the answer to all of these questions needs to be “yes, of course.”

Love,

Emily

P. S. To learn more about the Chthulu references you have seen here today, visit your local library, and then follow the scent of pimple cream. I will be the one in the cape.