Yeah, I think those are gym bags for rich people? Or bookbags for Upper East Side highschoolers? That’s the only reason I can see for someone paying nearly $200 for the privilege of carrying a vinyl bag with a little leather flap with a logo on it. And I guess they’re French, so that gives them that extra je ne says qua. I see lots of these on the shoulders of sorority girl types trying to out-logo each other. Along with these:
And these:
And these:
Next time I’m in Chinatown I ‘ll have to check out what the knock-off situation is on Canal Street. Here’s a helpful guide for spotting a faux. Meanwhile, I found this photo on the internets whilst searching for Lilly Pulitzer. I apologize to whoever’s spring formal this photo is from, but it is Priceless:
Why did so many men have large (often “tribal”) prints on their tee-shirts a few years ago? Why did they then suddenly disappear?
Let me first answer your question with an earnest “I have no idea, those things are tacky and look permanently soiled in personal fluids.” Now that we have the truth out of the way, I will take a deep breath and dive into the unknown.
By tribal print, I believe you mean this…
…which is a monstrosity of “distressed” whatnot (a technical term).
If I dig into my personal memory banks (and not do any actual research on this dark spot on men’s fashion), I think excessive “tribal” prints on tee’s is a form of “peacocking.”
“The Pickup Artist” is the first place that I heard of the term “peacocking,” which is the process of adorning eye-catching clothing or accessories that are worn to entice a potential partner, much like a male peacock flashing his feathers for all the hot lady birds in the club. Those tribal tee abominations display the confidence of a man willing to go above and beyond the basic tee to sleep with anything on two legs. Wait, “on two legs” is too narrow; really they’re up for any man, woman, or object that responds to their posturing.
Why did the tribal tee seemingly disappear? Perhaps its potency was deluded with so many thinking it was ok to look like a douche bag.
I am a little bit bitter about the fact that my dreams of going to Coachella this year have been smashed. First, tickets for both weekends sold out in 3 hours. Then, after shelling out tons of cash on stubhub to buy wristbands from some horrible scalper, the festival promoters informed me I my camping pass would be invalid anyway, so I decided to cut my losses and stay the f home. Now photos of celebs are rolling in from the festival and all I can do is HATE. Less a question than a request to hate with me, please discuss celebs and Coachella fashion.
Dorigen
Dorigen,
Grrrrl, Coachella would have been made better by your presence, but you would not have been made better by Coachella. I may have lost my sister to tassels…
Honey, its not "down to earth" if it includes an over-sized denim Louis Vuitton bag.
…or other such nonsense. Meanwhile, the only concerts I would want to see can never exist again or ever, i.e. “Joy Division” circa 1979…
…or a live (yet still somehow animated) version of the “Chipmunk Punk” album…
I would throw my underwear onto that stage.
…or Ol’ Dirty Bastard reading the phonebook.
Alright, let's do this.
To beat the HATE-drums, I suggest putting on a bandana and creating a better concert than Coachella. Might I recommend the space called “living room sing-a-long?” My girl, Danika, and I used to rock out to this jam on repeat…
p.p.s. Both shoes have been purchased. BUT I’m open to returning…
Emily
Emily,
I’m not 100% sure but I think to qualify as a clog, the shoe has to have a wooden sole. Those black abominations above are straight up mules, and that I cannot support. Are mules still being manufactured? A closed-toe shoe in front, flip-flop in the back? Let’s not go here:
Meanwhile, clogs. Clogs were my jam in 1992. I wore a pair similar to these every day my junior year in high school:
They were clunky, unfeminine and loud, just how we liked our shoes in the 90s. They make me think of The Real World San Francisco, which, OMG!, you can watch full episodes of on mtv.com!
Rachel (front) was my style ICON. She wore belly shirts, ribbon chokers, plaid miniskirts and clogs. Hot. Maybe clogs ARE due for a comeback! But please leave the mules to the mules.
Dorigen
p.s. I had some vague idea that Rachel married that dude Sean from The Real World: Boston, but did you know he is now a MEMBER OF THE UNITED STATES HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES??? From Wisconsin! Just sayin. I need to follow up with my RW/RR cast alumni!
Dorigen,
Hilarious. I kept the gray booties (wearing them for the first time today) and plan to return the clogs, I mean mules. Ahem, they totally had a fake wood sole with stamped wood grain pattern. I actually thought I could work them out, despite your sound logic, but they are not cute on. My feet looked like banana boats.
Oh, the boys did well after “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,” and I, for one, am relieved.
I fell in love with the show and “the fab five” on the first commercial, promising high energy gays making over the lives of straight men in less than 24 hours, and targeting the five fundamentals of being a presentable human being – fashion, grooming, home décor, food, and culture (which, in the earlier episodes was just gifting an Erica Badu CD).
on a mission
So many unexpected fans popped up and emulated the promoted “metrosexual” style, a term previously unknown to me. At the time of the first season, I was working for a family owned, blue collar, union focused, manufacturing company in Madison, WI. I recall a beautiful moment when a straight Engineer literally interrupted a corporate meeting I was in to drop off a VHS of an episode I had uncharacteristically missed. Sigh. Decadent.
It was a refreshing time of homosexual and heterosexual acceptance, slap stick humor, and self improvement through unabashed consumerism. “Queer Eye” lasted from 2003 – 2007, and you can watch the sometimes dated makeovers on Netflix – it’s basically lots of jeans with blazers, dangerously fast shaves, putting “a living room where the crack den used to be,” clueless men setting fire to the simplest of salad recipes, and Jai (“the culture guru”) going on and on about how he “scored tickets from a friend of mine, [insert unknown ‘celebrity’ name here].”
So let’s see how these gays, I mean guys, I mean gays made over themselves post “Queer Eye”…
Carson is my favorite. In a show fundamentally built on playing up homosexual stereotypes, Carson was the poster gay. He really hammed up the homophobia by sharing tiny dressing rooms, unbuttoning flies, asking for kisses, and offering many a “back door” pun / direct proposition. Oddly, I think this was Carson’s way of breaking down barriers – he was humorously self-effacing and all of his touchy-feely moments were techniques to loosen up a needlessly tight (ass) heterosexual.
AFTER
I feel success is often defined by a quality personal website, and www.carsonkressley.com is workin’ it. Apparently Carson is/was on a season of “Dancing with the Stars;” he has a show on Opera’s OWN network; and… oh, dear… he has two “hit” singles courtesy of Auto-Tune – “The Tough Go Shopping” and “You’re Beautiful and Worthy.” What is conspicuously not listed on his website is Carson’s stint with QVC – the woman’s clothing line was called “Perfect.” I would argue that it was less than, but I might be in the minority.
On an aside, he was NOT born with the name “Ryan with a ‘K’ instead of an ‘R;’” however, even his given name is decadent – Hugh Edward Douglas, Jr. On an additional aside, Kyan and Carson had such a great rapport that I convinced many (including myself) that they were dating. A simple web search would have put that fantasy to rest, but I still like to think they will one day find each other.
On topic, Kyan was tasked with hair and body refurbishment, which often included necessarily dumbed down explanations of why it is important to shower, what facial cleanser and moisturizer looks / tastes like, how to shave, and how to treat many a filth induced fungi. Kyan really had sincere hopes for the heteros in his hands, but they often fell short of his most basic expectations – after the makeover many did not shower or shave, and if they did, they would inexplicably use a lotion as a shampoo.
AFTER
Where is the Kyan Douglas personal website?! Hmmmm… Well, there’s this from TLC, which (at the time of me posting this link) includes only two “Facebook Likes” (perhaps it’s just me and one of his relatives or, dare to dream, Carson). I like to think that any additional “Likes” are in direct response to my provided link – hint, hint, show some love. Kyan also published a book and worked as a spokesman / advisor for L’Oréal, which is, of course, crazy awesome. And, I’m going to go out on a limb here, and say that Kyan is still perfectly groomed and sharing words of wisdom with anyone with a scruffy beard and/or “garfunkles” (my childhood word for excessive armpit hair).
I'm just sayin'... can you imagine what Art Garfunkel's armpit "garfunkels" look like?
Thom was often teased by his fellow “Fab Fivers” as the “fat” one, which is ridiculous, but perhaps the fake tan really IS slimming. Thom always did a great job of complimenting the person’s furniture “style” with functional, interesting pieces, but I nearly always disliked his choice in rugs – lots of free-floating geometric shapes; however, perhaps that was just a sign of the times. Also, he was unabashedly unafraid to use wicker, up to and including wicker carpet balls as a dining room center piece. Still, he was a close second to Carson on the hilarious factor, and I was completely won over by Thom during a London episode, in which he wore a miss-match brown suit with an identically matching plaid shirt and tie.
enjoying a spot of tea
AFTER
Thom’s website is awesome www.thomfilicia.com. He is a decorator through Thom Filicia Inc, he sells furniture through The Thom Filicia Home Collection™, and has had at least one of his own TV shows, making over people’s craptacular homes. Of course, my favorite of Thom’s successful moments is shamefully not listed on his website – remember when Thom Filicia took over as the Pier 1 spokesman, when Kirstie Alley got too fat; further proof that THOM IS NOT FAT. I’m just sayin’, and now he’s also super successful and I want him to redesign my abnormally long office-living-dining-kitchen room.
Ted was considered the “old” one, because he was 5 years older than most of the members of the group, and jokes at his expense often included references to a bad hip. Most everything he had the heteros cook /assemble seemed doable for any supervised five-year-old (including detailed, written instructions), but they nearly always found a way to burn it, drop it, or break the very expensive, one-of-a-kind glassware that he thoughtfully gifted. Like his basic name and square glasses would imply, Ted was sort of the gay “straight man” of the comedy troop, and his moments of subdued wackiness were often oddly by himself in the kitchen. Ted is likable and intelligent and a necessary, stable force in this nonsense whirlwind.
AFTER
The Food Network smartly embraced Ted. He has appeared on, hosted, or judged many of their top programs – “Chopped,” “Iron Chef America,” “The Best Thing I Ever Ate,” “The Next Food Network Star,” and also Bravo’s “Top Chef.” Ted’s website is clean and straightforward www.tedallen.net, just like him. He remains this likeable, knowledgeable, and consciously quirky guy that I want to have over for raspberry mojitos.
Jai was the younger “sister” of the “Fab Five,” by 10+ years. It was his responsibility to culturally and socially enlighten inept straight men, many of whom rarely left the house due to unemployment, fear of women, or grueling 8 floor Manhattan walk ups. Again, the initial assistance included just a quality music CD and a tip about shaking hands, but it evolved into introductions with celebrities you actually heard of (ex: Ahmad Rashad, Kathy Griffin, Tyson Beckford), all expense paid Caribbean vacations, a $10,000 engagement ring, and even an actual job (not just an interview). Because of his age (early-mid twenties), Jai’s advice sometimes seemed forced, like relationship or parenting tips for a grandfather. But it truly was all sound advice, and if you rewatch some old episodes, you’ll see that Jai was smizing even before Tyra dropped that bomb on us.
AFTER
Jai is primarily an actor – stage, TV, film, and he’s also done some hosting work. His Wikipedia page reads like a well connected extras actor – he was even in a Lady Gaga video. Unfortunately, like Kyan, Jai does not have a website, but he still has a MySpace page for some reason, where you can check out his latest beats, and unlike Carson, they are not Auto-Tuned.
So, Dorigen, the boys are happily doing well, and I hope they stay in touch.
There is no way I can be unbiased whilst discussing Taco Bell. Much like The Greatest Television Program of All Time, Taco Bell is such a beloved component of my childhood that I am immune to any negative criticism it may attract. I had Nachos Supreme (with no beans), one hard shelled taco and a small pepsi for lunch every day for two full years of my life.
Delicious. I would have the same for lunch every day now if there were ANY classic Taco Bells in ALL of New York City, which there are not. They have systematically shut down all Taco Bells in and around the downtown Manhattan area over the past 10 years. Many tears have been shed (by me) over this. There is still a KenTacoHut near Union Square, but that place is so disgusting, even I won’t eat there unless I’m REALLY craving a trip south of the border. I don’t understand why there was a need to merge Kentucky Fried Chicken, Pizza Hut and Taco Bell into one Frankenstein of a fast-food hell. IMHO, each one can stand on its own as a legitimately acceptable fast-food joint. There is a management problem here. Even Charlize Theron loves Taco Bell. See the first 1:30 of the following:
Meanwhile, I love Charlize Theron.
Recently a law suit over Taco Bell using “a meat mixture that contains binders and extenders, and does not meet the minimum requirements set by the U.S. Department of Agriculture to be labeled as ‘beef'” has caused quite a kerfuffle in the news. My response to that is: no sh*t, sherlock. Do you really think fast food joints are serving fresh locally sourced meats and produce? That sh*t is still delicious. On a side note, the use of so-called pink slime in schools is kind of scary. Let’s focus our attention there instead, and leave my beloved Nachos Supreme alone.
In the meantime, I will continue to cling to my memories of the Taco Bell of yore and pray that they somehow manage to stay in business long enough for my children to enjoy.
DorEm Answers 