Category Archives: Things

Oct 03 2012
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Ideas, Things

Truly Outrageous

Emily,

Please explain Jem and the Holograms and its implication on modern society.

Dorigen

Dorigen,

For the sisters who are uninitiated…

 “Jem and the Holograms” was an 80’s cartoon show about a well-intentioned rock band and their misadventures with a hologram technology that created the alter ego “Jem” for Jerrica Benton, a recently orphaned heiress to a record company and an orphanage for girls. 

As random as that may sound, “Jem and the Holograms” was on point with sitcoms of the 80’s:

  1. they killed off the mom character and
  2. the show was created in collaboration with Hasbro, and many dolls were sold.  They were awesome; albeit manish in comparison to Barbie. 

Those are some big shoes to fill, “girl.”

I recently watched all 65 episodes (mostly in one sitting), and I learned a thing or two about life, love, and sequins.  Basically, that they are all in the same.  Oh, and that song lyrics really only need one phrase put on a repeat mix.

That deep cut was brought to you by the The Misfits, the bad girls to the do-gooding Holograms, and as advertised, they really made some mischief!  Seriously, they nearly kill somebody every episode.  They will cut a b*tch for a pair of hot pants. 

Back on topic… I also learned that, for a children’s show about drag queens (yeah, I said it), “Jem and the Holograms” can be for reals judgmental.  Like in Season 1, Episode 25: Culture Clash, when Jem openly mocked “concept art.”  Darling, with five and a half pink Pomeranians on your head, you are in no position to read.  Also, Jem was having none of the actor from Season 3, Episode 4: Beauty and the Rock Promoter, after he took off his electric beast costume.  (Is that what happened to Robsten?)

So in conclusion, “Jem and the Holograms” is the best PSA for children of any era, who need to learn how to let a man down easy.

Love,

Emily 

Sep 09 2012
1 Comment
Ideas, People, Things

Headband

Hey Dorigen,

Winona Ryder was just asking me…

… “when is a headband ok?”  As evidenced by the above, I assume she already knows when it’s not.  Ima read, Ima read, Ima read.

Love,

Emily

Emily,

The only time a headband should be worn is to keep your bangs out of your face during exercise.  (And that is pronounced “ex-SER-seize”):

I may be going out on a limb by saying this, but headbands are not now, nor have they ever been, an acceptable fashion accessory.  Even as a child I was anti-headband.  It may be because I have an oddly shaped head and wore huge plastic-framed glasses, making the 80s version of the headband impractical and somewhat painful.  I was really irritated with Olivia Newton John for giving the cross-forehead headband a fashion moment. 

Meanwhile, OMG, I just watched the video for Physical.  There is a LOT of inappropriate man flesh in there!

At any rate, with a glasses frame going a full inch and a half above my natural eyebrow, there was no way the Olivia Newton John was going to be feasible.  And unfortunately, in 1984, there was no Kim Kardashian to show me how to appropriately adjust my headband to accomodate multiple accessories at once.  Behold the brilliance.  Place headband AT the hairline!

Nope, it still looks stupid.  The 50s style over-the-head headband never worked for me either.  The plastic u-shaped Goody-brand ones from the drugstore pinched my enormous head and also interfered with my glasses, and there’s no way to wear a stretchy “flex-comb” style without looking like a complete asshole.

Actually the over-the-head headband doesn’t really work even if you have a normal-sized head.  It comes off as twee and costumy.  Ask Emmy Rossum:

I don’t know, though. Maybe I’m just biased.  Headbands do seem like they could come in handy when you didn’t have time to wash your hair or have an out-of-control cowlick, but I think it’s safer to just leave them alone altogether.

Dorigen

Aug 22 2012
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Things

French Tips

Dorigen

Please explain a french tip.

Emily

Emily,

According to Nails Magazine, the french manicure is probably in no ways French and was created to be done on short nails to mimic the natural look of healthy groomed nails and would thus match any outfit.  First of all, Nails Magazine. Second of all, the French manicure has evolved into something real tacky, along with most other nail art. 

I won’t lie, I rocked a french tip in my teens and early 20s.  More specifically, I rocked an airbrushed French tip, because I was ghetto. My 1994/95 look was not dissimilar to this:

There were great advances in nail technology in the late 80s/early 90s that permitted the above glory to be accessible to the average lady off the street.  All we had before that was the at-home kit, and let’s be honest, I could do a better job with a bottle of white-out.

I don’t know when getting your nails did became a thing.  Were there even salons specifically for nails until the mid-80s?  Now they are eveywhere and cater to every taste, particularly if your taste is vulgar.  I will leave you with this, which… I feel sick.

Dorigen

Jul 11 2012
1 Comment
Things

Pointy Shoulder Blazer

Dorigen,

Please explain a pointed-shoulder blazer.

Emily

Emily,

I cannot possibly discuss pointy shoulder blazers without first sharing this amazing video of a local TV news anchor mocking two of the Kardashians wearing their matching versions of such:

Priceless.  Their voices are intolerable. 

Yeah, I don’t know.  I am old enough to remember shoulder pads and 80s power suits and am thus old enough to be shocked that they ever made a comeback, but what the hell do I know?  And when I think of 80s power suits, I obviously think of Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead.

Single mother of five goes on vacation, babysitter dies, teenage Christina Applegate (!) lies about age to get high-powered fashion industry job to support family.  Amazing 80s power officewear ensues!  Wonderful!!  How does this movie only have 31% on Rotten Tomatoes?  Oh right, because it’s actually horrible.  I have seen it at least 10 times.   And so have you.  Because we taped it off of TV and watched that VHS cassette until no adjustment of the “tracking” knob could fix it. 

Dorigen

Dorigen,

Yes.  OMG.  My favorite part of DTMTBD is when Applegate is daydreaming about her burger (tacos?) truck boyfriend, and clown music plays.  Love.  Do you remember her herringbone braid?  White-wine spritzers?  Oh, and those ridiculous fashion uniforms that save the day?!  I loved every work day outfit of hers and often think of them when putting together my work looks.  Today I wore plastic hot pink shoes with my suit.  Work.

Emily

Jul 09 2012
1 Comment
Things

Handbags

Emily,

I know in theory that my owning this $500 handbag will not solve any of the problems I may or may not have in my life, but when I held it today, it really felt like it might.  Why are handbags so expensive??  Why can’t I be satisfied carrying my belongings in a plastic handled Duane Reade bag?  My consumerism scares me.

Help,

Dorigen

Dorigen,

If you have come to me for reason, you have come to the wrong sister.  Behold the anti-plastic Duane Reade option that I covet…

Marc Jacobs

I have been hunting for a sophisticated, cross-body, tan leather purse that fits an iPad and maybe a shoe for some time now.  I found perfection in this Marc Jacobs for $428.  This bag is my “forever sweater,” if you will.  But, I’m sorry, that’s crazy money that I do not have. 

I warn you, when you visit in a couple weeks, we are going to Saks to stroke this purse in person. 

I have already shown this purse to anyone who will listen, including an aunt on the hubbie side that you need to meet, who is a stylist, and who has a super cool blog about shoes: www.shoes-of.com.  And, yes, this is a pic of me in my fav Aerosoles that I wore to your wedding.  They are my “walking heels.” 

Anywho, I completely refuse to help you with your purse/consumerism plight.  All I can do is feed the beast. 

Emily

P.S. J Crew (AKA J Cute, AKA J Crute) has some nice options for less, but they are either tiny or gargantuan; take your pick. 

Jul 08 2012
1 Comment
Things

jean shorts

Dorigen,

Please explain a jean short.

Emily

Emily,

The super short super distressed jean short seems to be a thing right now.  I recently went out to the shops in my Brooklyn neighborhood looking to buy a pair of shorts to bike in, and was faced with mostly this:

You can’t ride a bike in those.  There would be chafing.  They are what we used to call, back on the mean streets of 1990s Milwaukee, Wisconsin, “coochie cutters,” with slight updates to the wash and rise.   The technical term for what you can see just below the hem of the young lady in white’s shorts are her “booty rounds.”  95% of the population should not be wearing these shorts, if only for gynecological hygeine, and yet they are ubiquitous.  I just don’t know anymore.

Fondly,

Dorigen

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