DorEm Answers

Dear p/o,

Thank you for your question:

Why did so many men have large (often “tribal”) prints on their tee-shirts a few years ago? Why did they then suddenly disappear?

Let me first answer your question with an earnest “I have no idea, those things are tacky and look permanently soiled in personal fluids.”  Now that we have the truth out of the way, I will take a deep breath and dive into the unknown.

By tribal print, I believe you mean this…

…which is a monstrosity of “distressed” whatnot (a technical term).

If I dig into my personal memory banks (and not do any actual research on this dark spot on men’s fashion), I think excessive “tribal” prints on tee’s is a form of “peacocking.”

check homeskillet in the middle back

This is an image of grown men dressed as overly confident circus performers, also known as the cast of VH1’s “The Pickup Artist,” also known as one of the best reality TV shows of all time.  On a side – other reality show favorites are, of course, “RuPaul’s Drag Race,” “Looking for Love: Bachelorettes in Alaska,” “Paradise Hotel,” and only the first seasons of “The Real World” and “The Bachelor” (because he was not cute).

“The Pickup Artist” is the first place that I heard of the term “peacocking,” which is the process of adorning eye-catching clothing or accessories that are worn to entice a potential partner, much like a male peacock flashing his feathers for all the hot lady birds in the club.  Those tribal tee abominations display the confidence of a man willing to go above and beyond the basic tee to sleep with anything on two legs.  Wait, “on two legs” is too narrow; really they’re up for any man, woman, or object that responds to their posturing.

Why did the tribal tee seemingly disappear?  Perhaps its potency was deluded with so many thinking it was ok to look like a douche bag.

MTV knows what I’m talking about.

These kids need to continuously up their game if they’re going to keep up those conquest tally marks.

sup

Emily

Dorigen,

Are clogs still back or is their reprise over?  Either way (on a personal note) – are these cute and what would I even wear them with?

You know I'm Aerosoles brand loyal.

Your sis,

Emily

p.s. These shoes are also on the table.

p.p.s. Both shoes have been purchased.  BUT I’m open to returning…

Emily

Emily,

I’m not 100% sure but I think to qualify as a clog, the shoe has to have a wooden sole. Those black abominations above are straight up mules, and that I cannot support. Are mules still being manufactured?  A closed-toe shoe in front, flip-flop in the back?  Let’s not go here:

Meanwhile, clogs.  Clogs were my jam in 1992.  I wore a pair similar to these every day my junior year in high school:

They were clunky, unfeminine and loud, just how we liked our shoes in the 90s. They make me think of The Real World San Francisco, which, OMG!, you can watch full episodes of on mtv.com!

Rachel (front) was my style ICON.  She wore belly shirts, ribbon chokers, plaid miniskirts and clogs.  Hot.  Maybe clogs ARE due for a comeback!  But please leave the mules to the mules.

Dorigen 

p.s. I had some vague idea that Rachel married that dude Sean from The Real World: Boston, but did you know he is now a MEMBER OF THE UNITED STATES HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES??? From Wisconsin!  Just sayin.  I need to follow up with my RW/RR cast alumni!

Dorigen,

Hilarious.  I kept the gray booties (wearing them for the first time today)  and plan to return the clogs, I mean mules.  Ahem, they totally had a fake wood sole with stamped wood grain pattern.  I actually thought I could work them out, despite your sound logic, but they are not cute on.  My feet looked like banana boats.

Emily

Dorigen,

I stand mildly corrected – “The Hunger Games” was legitimately a pretty good movie.  However, I did think that the first half was better, albeit very shaky camera happy.

What did you think?

Emily

Emily,

I was concerned, as the pictures from the various premiers made the rounds, about the casting.  Visually, it just looked wrong:

Couldn’t they get Peeta some lifts and a better suit?  Or put Katniss in flats?  Is Gale 8 feet tall?  Having seen the film, I think it works, however.  Gale came off as much more doofy than he did in the book, and Peeta was charming and adorable.  Jennifer Lawrence is a fantastic actress.  I think the love triangle worked.  The effects weren’t too over the top, which I appreciated.  All in all, not bad for a tween fantasy drama. 

Meanwhile, Jeff and I went to the Saturday matinee in our new Brooklyn neighborhood, paid $6 for our tickets and the other audience members were 80% 13-year-old girls.  Rock.

I am curious to hear your thoughts as well.  Bonus points if you can integrate an applicable clip from The Greatest Television Program of All Time.

Dorigen

Dorigen,

Meanwhile, I took two buses in the rain to attend an 11:00 am viewing on opening day at a theater running “The Hunger Games” every 20 minutes since midnight.  I shared the theater with about 8 other people, some of which also attending solo, and I seriously contemplated waiting in the bathroom until the next showing for a sneaky double feature.

I liked the first half, but the second missed some important life-or-death moments for me.  Specifically, when *spolier* Katniss and Peeta nearly ate the berries, they ever so gingerly sort of moved the berries to their mouths.  They were no where near close to actually eating those things and the announcement went off, telling them to spare themselves.  Peeta’s movie leg wound was kind of gross, but didn’t have the urgency of the book’s mentioned blood poisoning and Katniss’s gash on her head was reduced to a mild scratch.  I read the books, so I know what happens, but still, I wanted to see the characters in legitimately dangerous situations.

But, again, I did like the adaptation.  And as requested, here is my “The Cosby Show” connection to “The Hunger Games” film… two words, Gordon Gartrelle.

It’s tucked into my socks!

The glorious fashion designs of the Capitol could have all been created by Denise Huxtable for Gordon Gartrelle.  This is not a diss – let me be clear that I loved the costumes in the film and I love this nonsense of a shirt.  All it needs is a flower applique or twelve.

Effie is thinking about agreeing with me.

A clear disconnect between “The Cosby Show” and “The Hunger Games” is the polar representations of adults – Cosby: supportive vs. Games: dangerous and inept.   Haymitch is no Heathcliff, but then again Vanessa is no Katniss.  So, Gordon Gartrelle unintentional unitards for everyone!

Emily

Dorigen,

Please explain Carlos Santana’s line of women’s shoes (www.carlosshoes.com).

Emily

Emily

Carlos Santana and his band, Santana, made this song famous in the 1970s and brought “latin” music mainstream.  “Oye Como Va” (arguably the most well-known Spanish language song ever in the US), was actually written by Tito Puente, who you may remember as drummer for the Jazz Caravan, Russell “Slide” Huxtable’s band from The Greatest Television Program of All Time.

I think there may actually be an applicable Cosby Show clip for every possible occasion.  Perhaps we can test that theory in future posts.  So I think Carlos Santana is considered one of the best guitarists of all time, but I have decided that he was basically the 1970s version of Ricky Martin, in that he brought Latin music mainstream.   I think a lot of people forget how Ricky Martin BLEW THE F UP in 1999 with this performance:

Then all of a sudden it was all about Latin Music and Being Latin.  This was the era of JLo, Shakira and the Macarena and suddenly Carlos Santana was in demand as the go-to guest singer for latin-tinged pop and R&B songs.  “Smooth,” his collaboration with Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20 was on every party playlist I made from 1999 to 2002.  My favorite example of the record industry trying to cash in on the latin resurgence was Eden’s Crush, the girl group who were put together on Popstars, a 2001 WB-aired pre-curser to American Idol.  The members were basically chosen based on how latin they looked, though most of them were actually from Hawaii or something.  They did create one of the best pop songs of all time, however, and introduced the world to Nicole Sherzinger.

So back to Carlos Santana.  According to Brown Shoe Company, the company that produces his line of women’s shoes, Carlos by Carlos Santana footwear, the shoes “reflect the same passion, artistry, and energy generated by legendary rock icon Carlos Santana’s music.”

I guess I don’t disagree with that.  Some of his shoes are kind of cute, if a bit OTT.  I’d say they’re a little younger and sassier than Jessica Simpson’s shoes, but not as cheap and poorly made as Paris Hilton’s.  All in all, not bad for an aging male rock guitarist.   

Dorigen

Emily,

The Hunger Games film comes out this week.  Will it live up to the hype??  Is it the new Twilight???  People need to know!

Fondly,

Dorigen

Dorigen,

Oh, “The Hunger Games” films will be fantastically terrible, just awful. 

They will be successful by my standards if they are watchable, as in the case with the very bad “Twilight” movies, and I have admittedly cried at each one (even after multiple viewings).  I expect to also cry at “The Hunger Games,” because those mediocre books really tugged at my heartstrings. 

To break it down in trilogy style, here is why the “The Hunger Games” will decadently fail…

Part 1

The books have been so popular, that the filmmakers will do everything in their power to stay true to the text, fearing earnest death threats from loyal preteens.  I am very open to altering content to adapt to a new medium.  The one exception being the altered ending of the final Harry Potter film; it ruined the whole film for me, and there is a danger that any change will do the same to legions of viewers of “The Hunger Games.”  But a point-by-point adaptation does not a good movie make. 

Part 2

The magnitude of the violence in the books will not be present in the films, as to retain a PG-13 rating.  This MAY be a good thing, if they keep the moments, but only through implication – i.e. the use of clever filming and sound.  For example, the scene in “Fanny and Alexander,” when Alexander is given a beating, we only hear it and see the extent of it’s violence in the expressions of the witnesses.  Still, these directorial tactics can be much more effective and therefore greatly terrify the young viewers.  Instead scenes will be cut or tempered.

Part 3

Josh Hutcherson is 4’2”. 

He plays a major role: Peeta (not a typo), who is (*spoiler*) a love interest of the main character, Katniss (also not a typo).  By unfair comparison, the other love interest, Gale (yes, it’s a boy’s name in this world) played by Miley Cyrus’s boyfriend (therefore, no real name necessary), is somewhere around 8’11’’.  Really any character will need to be filmed twenty paces behind him and on a down slope to make it look like they are walking side by side.  I can’t image the cost of making all of those moats for Katniss to stand in so she only has to only slightly lean down to kiss him.  Ok, so supposedly, Hutcherson is really 5’7”, but, come on, it’s a small 5’7”.

Epiloguely speaking, “The Hunger Games” will make gazillions of dollars and will certainly find their spot in my DVD collection, where they will not collect dust, but they will collect shame.

Love you,

Emily 

Dorigen,

Someone recently said this to me… “Your hair looks fake.  I’m so jealous.”  I’ll admit, this is better than being told that I look like the spitting image of Daria, but it’s still a strange compliment.

You recently rocked some awesome extensions at your wedding last summer, but it was cute because it DIDN’T look fake.  Can you explain the DOs and DON’Ts of hair extensions?  Also, are there really people out there who want their hair to look fake?

Emily

Emily,

I shamefacedly AM the owner of clip-in hair extensions, but do not profess to know the ins and outs of fake hair.   The one and only time I have ever had my hair professionally styled (beyond a cut and blow-dry) was for my wedding, and my hairstylist suggested I get some clip-in “pieces” to take my hair from nice to Glorious on my wedding day.  I googled “clip-in hair NYC” and found this woman’s establishment:

Her sh*t looked even faker in real life, but she could sell snow to eskimos.  Convinced I would not look pretty on my wedding day without full lucious hair shorn from the heads of unknown strangers, I plunked down more than I care to admit and got my very own weave.  I was assured that the hair was “European” and that whatever woman (or man?) it came from had not been taken advantage of in any way, which I’ve since learned is a huge issue that freaks me the F out.  When I wavered over the cost of the hair, she offered to give me twice as many clip-ins for the same price.  At the time, it seemed reasonable, but when I recieved what is essentially 3 full heads of hair I questioned the logic.  This is me with about half of the hair that I now own clipped into my head:

I look like I’m on my way to the Telemundo studios to audition for a telenovela.

Now, for my wedding, my stylist (who laughed when he saw how much hair I bought) put in a couple of pieces, blended it with my own hair, and called it a day.  I was not going for a huge ringletted RHWOBH look, which seems to be part of this emerging societal ideal to have enormous fake-looking hair.  It looked fairly natural and nice in the wedding photos, until I started dancing and sweating at the reception.  Then that sh*t got matted and tangled until I resembled another prototype of American beauty:

On my wedding night, my new husband got to see me attempt to remove clumps of hair from my head in a provocative manner.  Today, my extensions sit in their little extension bag, taking up valuable drawer space, wondering when they will get to see the light of day again.  Unless there is an active market on Ebay for third-hand hair, that day may never come.

Fondly,
Dorigen