DorEm Answers

Dorigen,

Someone recently said this to me… “Your hair looks fake.  I’m so jealous.”  I’ll admit, this is better than being told that I look like the spitting image of Daria, but it’s still a strange compliment.

You recently rocked some awesome extensions at your wedding last summer, but it was cute because it DIDN’T look fake.  Can you explain the DOs and DON’Ts of hair extensions?  Also, are there really people out there who want their hair to look fake?

Emily

Emily,

I shamefacedly AM the owner of clip-in hair extensions, but do not profess to know the ins and outs of fake hair.   The one and only time I have ever had my hair professionally styled (beyond a cut and blow-dry) was for my wedding, and my hairstylist suggested I get some clip-in “pieces” to take my hair from nice to Glorious on my wedding day.  I googled “clip-in hair NYC” and found this woman’s establishment:

Her sh*t looked even faker in real life, but she could sell snow to eskimos.  Convinced I would not look pretty on my wedding day without full lucious hair shorn from the heads of unknown strangers, I plunked down more than I care to admit and got my very own weave.  I was assured that the hair was “European” and that whatever woman (or man?) it came from had not been taken advantage of in any way, which I’ve since learned is a huge issue that freaks me the F out.  When I wavered over the cost of the hair, she offered to give me twice as many clip-ins for the same price.  At the time, it seemed reasonable, but when I recieved what is essentially 3 full heads of hair I questioned the logic.  This is me with about half of the hair that I now own clipped into my head:

I look like I’m on my way to the Telemundo studios to audition for a telenovela.

Now, for my wedding, my stylist (who laughed when he saw how much hair I bought) put in a couple of pieces, blended it with my own hair, and called it a day.  I was not going for a huge ringletted RHWOBH look, which seems to be part of this emerging societal ideal to have enormous fake-looking hair.  It looked fairly natural and nice in the wedding photos, until I started dancing and sweating at the reception.  Then that sh*t got matted and tangled until I resembled another prototype of American beauty:

On my wedding night, my new husband got to see me attempt to remove clumps of hair from my head in a provocative manner.  Today, my extensions sit in their little extension bag, taking up valuable drawer space, wondering when they will get to see the light of day again.  Unless there is an active market on Ebay for third-hand hair, that day may never come.

Fondly,
Dorigen

Dorigen and P/O,

Here is an easy-to-answer question from one of our devoted readers (or is it “our one devoted reader?”):

“Which is worse: men in polo shirts, khakis, and woven leather belts _or_ crocks?”

This…

Equals this…

To go about this another way, I will answer your question with another question – “What is worse than Crocks?”  That might be one of those “What is the sound of one hand clapping?” questions – there is no answer, only contemplation.

Ok, except for that one time when Bart Simpson made a clapping sound with one hand, and also the fact that Ugg boots are just as bad as Crocks, but you get where I’m going with this.  Crocks are the anti-Christ to holy shoe worship.

Meanwhile, the polo / khaki / woven belt combo is not all that bad if in a proper fit.

See, J Crew knows what I’m talking about.

But, then again, as mentioned in my bio (see the “About” page) I am so into the preppy/boho look these days that I actually saw fit to add it to my two sentence bio.

Emily

Dorigen & P/O,

Let’s take a look at another question submitted by our fan:

“Explain blouses with a low waistline in the back and a high waistline in the front.”

Ah, the mullet shirt.  In contrast to the haircut, the top is all business in the back and a scantily clad party in the front (the business being hiding a lower back tramp stamp and the party being showing off a contoured, spray-tanned midriff and/or high waisted pant or skort).

haaaaaaaaay

I must admit that I did not find the mullet shirt strange in the 80’s. A friend of mine had an oversized white button down version that was very pseudo-tux shirt/tux jacket.  Why buy both?  And I thought she was working it with black stirrup leggings and black velvet flats.  I also remember a lot of standard cut shirts being tucked in the front and loose in the back; the mullet shirt must have been some sort of emulation of that conspicuously “casual” styling.

I feel like this trend started to cover up all those flat asses in the 80’s.  For years I was convinced that Queen’s song “Fat Bottom Girls” was in fact “Flat Bottom Girls,” because all the “ladies” in the hair rock videos wore high wasted bikinis that did nothing for their backside.

Now the hipsters are coveting all things from the 80’s and 90’s, with no discerning eye for ugliness.  I wish the kids were employing a sense of irony, but instead it all seems to be just a gross misunderstanding.  I blame Urban Outfitters for this massive fashion confusion of a generation.

We wore mullet shirts because we were trying something new, something beachy, and we were wrong.  Learn from our mistakes; don’t repeat them.

Emily

Emily,

I am too busy at work to have complete thoughts today so have gone to the comments for this one.  Thanks P/O.
“Chokers: soon to be back in style?”

God, I hope not,

Dorigen

Dorigen and P/O,

May I first just point out that I 100% have Shannen Doherty’s hair from the above picture right now.  I was also recently told that I look like Daria, but that I “probably get that comment a lot.”

*Ahem*, I DO NOT get that comment a lot, and I hope to never get it again by NEVER being seen with my arms crossed and in a surly disposition.  Wait, I’m sort of surly right now and crossing my arms over this keyboard.  Still, thank you, my dear sister, for pointing out that at least I wasn’t told I look like Velma.

Zoinks!  I guess you’re right.  Anywho, I concur with my sister’s concern about chokers.  This happened recently…

…and it is a sign of the Apocalypse.  An Apocalypse caused by us all choking ourselves to decadently bejeweled death.  Let the neck breath!  What?  A high neckline isn’t demure enough and you have to cover up the inches between it and your chin?  Show us a small patch of skin, so we know you’re still alive.

Confession time: I remember that in the 1990’s (high school) I used to perma-wear a black ribbon knotted around my neck.  It would rot off after a couple of months, and then I’d replace it with another.

Now I see fit to judge others, and I thank you to stare.

Emily

Dorigen,

Are gauchos just “movement clothes” or do they serve a higher, fashionable purpose?

Emily

Emily,

In short, “movement clothes.” And not very good ones, either.  The wide leg makes working out or otherwise “moving” awkward and potentially dangerous.  I find the extra fabric in even just a boot cut movement pant prone to tangling up and causing potential falls.

I never understood the gaucho  They were hugely popular amongst the young NYC ladies in 2001-03, who all wore them to run their weekend errands about town.  For most women, the low, banded waist, comined with the clingy fabric, created levels of cameltoe or even polterwang seldom experienced before or since.  I do see the following “Hot Fash” brand is available at Sears, which should indicate who might be buying these today. 

Dorigen

Dorigen,

Please explain “jeggings.”

Emily

Emily,

“Jeggings” are what used to be called “stretch pants” made out of denim.  They are effectively sausage casings for your legs.  I have a pair that I think are flattering, but I may be wrong.  Every single time I wear them, my husband says “are your jeans tight enough”?  I think this may be his subtle way of suggesting they might not be that flattering.

Dorigen