Author Archives: dangerdorge

Handbags

Emily,

I know in theory that my owning this $500 handbag will not solve any of the problems I may or may not have in my life, but when I held it today, it really felt like it might.  Why are handbags so expensive??  Why can’t I be satisfied carrying my belongings in a plastic handled Duane Reade bag?  My consumerism scares me.

Help,

Dorigen

Dorigen,

If you have come to me for reason, you have come to the wrong sister.  Behold the anti-plastic Duane Reade option that I covet…

Marc Jacobs

I have been hunting for a sophisticated, cross-body, tan leather purse that fits an iPad and maybe a shoe for some time now.  I found perfection in this Marc Jacobs for $428.  This bag is my “forever sweater,” if you will.  But, I’m sorry, that’s crazy money that I do not have. 

I warn you, when you visit in a couple weeks, we are going to Saks to stroke this purse in person. 

I have already shown this purse to anyone who will listen, including an aunt on the hubbie side that you need to meet, who is a stylist, and who has a super cool blog about shoes: www.shoes-of.com.  And, yes, this is a pic of me in my fav Aerosoles that I wore to your wedding.  They are my “walking heels.” 

Anywho, I completely refuse to help you with your purse/consumerism plight.  All I can do is feed the beast. 

Emily

P.S. J Crew (AKA J Cute, AKA J Crute) has some nice options for less, but they are either tiny or gargantuan; take your pick. 

And I will name her… RENESMEE

Emily,

I can’t even.

Dorigen

Dorigen, 

No, this will be the worst.  I am actually re-reading the final book, and skipping chapters.  Its a series of the longest, most boring conversations ever had that result in nothing.  I cannot wait for what could be the worst movie ever made.  I will love it like my own half breed daughter. 

Emily

P.S. These beautiful vampire people look really unfortunate on this cover.  It looks like a creepy V.C. Andrews family portrait for no reason.  

Water Parks

Emily,

Please explain a water park.

Dorigen

Dorigen, 

Water parks are a wonderful thing. 

Do you remember “J’s Amusements Park” in Guerneville, CA?  It was deep in the middle of the tallest woods and across from the best pee-wee golf ever.  The park had a questionable water slide with mild (pre-teen “lifeguard”) supervision.   It was wonderful.

Most recently I visited the other water park of my childhood – “Noah’s Ark” in Wisconsin Dells, WI.  Under new management and because I am now in my 30’s, the experience was unfortunately lackluster.  Half the park was closed and we ran out of things to do in just a couple hours.  Our last visit a few years ago lasted two full days and resulted in a deeply earned sunburn. 

Still, water parks, are one of my favorite vacation options.  Every single water park, regardless of when it was built, is a trip back to the 80’s – lots of neon, frivolity, and teenagers.  While I could do without the teenagers (I have recently decided than anyone under the age of 32 is the worst), I love this nonsense world of decadence and splashing. 

Emily

Geeky question from Jeff

Emily

What is 42?

Dorigen

Dorigen and Jeff,

According to “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy,” 42 is “the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything.”  It is the meaning of life, as calculated by a super computer.  The number itself is meaningless, other than the fact this particular number just sounds funny.  I recommend this series of books, which go on to try to figure out what the ultimate question is, because this answer of 42 makes no sense.  

Also, perhaps when I turn 42, I will finally feel like a grown up, but I thought that might happen at 32 and 22.  

Love,

Em

P.S. Thanks Jeff! Don’t panic.

Team Building

Emily,

My bowels are filled with dread as I prepare for a 2-day work retreat. I wouldn’t mind so much if it had the possibility of being something like this:

But it’s going to be two full days of poorly conceived powerpoint presentations in a crappy hotel in Connecticut. What is the worst work-related activity you’ve had to be a part of?

Dorigen

Dorigen,

Girl, I am all for team building.  Um, my senior high school camping trip ended in my group winning the team building award, and I think it was in large part to me publically apologizing to a girl I was mildly rude to my freshman year, for jumping into the lake from my canoe to help teach best rescue techniques, and for using the plastic bag that held our props for the talent competition as a hair piece, because we ran out of props. 

I will trust-exercise anyone under the table. 

These events are an excuse to do ridiculous things with people that can otherwise be intimidating or annoying.  Have fun.  But to answer your question, the worst work related activity that I have had to endure is sharing a large bathroom.  Ugg.

Emily   

Cinnabon

Emily,

Please explain Cinnabon.

Dorigen

Dorigen,

Mt. Dew may be nectar from the Gods, but a Cinnabon is my ambrosia.  I will consistently walk past the delicious scent of Mrs. Field’s cookies at the mall food court* for these excessively large, decadently undercooked, dessert/breakfast/lunch/dinner/reason-to-live treats. 

And then Burger King made a deal.  Chicago is littered with display Cinnabon balloons, that I could easily excuse if they were wearing a Burger King crown tipped to the side.    

work

After (multiple) taste tests at the BK, I have found that… Lost is the freshness.  Lost is the experience of watching expert part-time teenagers and the occasional sassy crazy person make these rolls (these “bons,” if you will) from scratch, right in front of you, with a pound of butter like the heavens intended.  Lost is the gargantuan size.  Lost is the recipe too, because I swear they taste different – is that WHEAT flour I taste? 

I don’t like to see my big babies this way, but I’ll tell you straight, my future is sealed – I will never enter a Burger King again without ordering this dessert. Stale or not, these are ancillary Cinnabons, which is infinitely better than no Cinnabons.

Emily

P.S. If you noticed the * and if you saw the movie “Mallrats,” then you know a correction is about to take place.  “The food court is downstairs. The cookie stand is upstairs… Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs count as food court. Anything outside of said designated square counts as an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking.”  Apparently. 

Emily,

Wait, there are no free standing cinnabons anymore???  That was my airport treat!  Oh the humanity.  Between this and Taco Bell, part of my soul has died.

Dorigen

Dorigen,

OMG, no, you can still purchase Cinnabons at your local mall or airport; in fact, might I suggest we start a franchise?  Sorry for the confusion / horror; I was just sayin’ I could walk around not eating a Cinnabon or I could walk to my local BK (which is only a block away, next to the Dunkin Donuts) and pick up a stale sort-of Cinnabon.

Emily