DorEm Answers

Dear Emily,

I have moved into the Money Pit.  A wall is falling down, there’s a hole in the kitchen floor, and none of the outlets have more than two prongs.  I was genuinely curious why the rent was so cheap.  Now I know.

My life has become a family comedy.  But it’s not funny.  Then again, neither was this:

Which leads me to my question.  Do you remember the late 1980s?  What happened between then and now that turned Ice Cube from Gangsta:

To loveable pudgy everyman starring in family films?

Just curious.

Dorigen

Dorigen,

Yes, “what DID happen to Ice Cube?!”  …and to Ice T for that matter.  This man made the term “cop killer” popular, and then promptly played one on TV, “Law and Order: SVU,” or should I say, SUV (the family vehicle, *snap*). 

OR, should I say “SWV” (Sisters with Voices, and very long finger nails), because according to this, they are making a come back this year with a song entitled “I Missed Us.”  Me too girls, me too.

But, I’m clearly just stalling in answering your very valid question about Ice Cube.  The easy answer would be for me to say that he “sold out,” but really what I think happened here was that he just “grew up.”  The man has five children, and perhaps tried to do right by them. 

Now, one could argue that you can “keep it real,” even with a large brood, like Ol’Dirty Bastard.  But, then again, he was once filmed taking his THIRTEEN children to the welfare office.  That crazy, beautiful man has had so many children and such a nonsense art style that I feel I should have taken a blood test a long time ago. 

daddy?

I stand by my answer of Ice Cube just growing up; like Stuart Smalley, he metaphorically decided to wear a new sweater one day, albeit a really lame sweater. 

To put this into a personal perspective… If I’d stayed true to my goth high school days, my distain for the world would be much less upbeat, and a hundred times less cute.

Change is a good thing, so long as it makes you happy and/or a lot of money.    

Emily 

P.S. We will work on the new place when I visit next weekend!  Sisters!

Dorigen,

Please explain Justin Bieber.

Heart sign,

Emily

Emily,

What is there to explain?  He’s an adorable Christian Canadian moppet with no pubic hair who sings love songs while affecting a certain R&B “swag.”  He is a perfect non-threatening idol for pre-teen girls.  I believe he’s almost 18 but has shown no visible signs of having entered puberty.  Only time will tell how awkward his transition into adulthood will be.  I, for one, can’t wait.  My favorite factlet about Justin Bieber is that his look has been embraced by certain members of the lesbian community.  See Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber.

.

Dorigen

Emily,

Is there some way I can grow up to be like the Dowager Countess of Grantham?  I need to start working on my one-liners.

Dorigen

Dorigen,

Let me first admit that despite frequent recommendations, I have yet to watch Masterpiece Theatre: Downton Abbey.  Your question is foreign to me.  It’s like me asking you how I can be more like my girl Raja from RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 3 (a season, I know you have not yet seen). 

The answer, of course, is to get down to my birth weight and to slightly cross one eye; however, I think the answer to your question about Dowager Countess is more complex, even for an avid viewer.  Still, I’m always up for a challenge and for making some shit up based on very little information (i.e. just the provided video), so here goes…

First off, Maggie Smith is excessively old (damn near 80).  She’s at an age where a status website may soon be posted, a la Abe Vigoda.

Being the oldest person in the room allows for certain advantages, like saying whatever you want, using a vocabulary developed over many years of reading dense literature and the occasional scandalous romance novel.  Oscar Wilde is great homework for one liners.  Developing a distain for all things “modern” seems also necessary for Countess emulation.  Perhaps wear more hats, larger for more superiority. 

One day we will both be so seasoned.

Emily

P.S. I am now half way through season 2 of Downton, and am loving it.  I stand by my previous notions about the Countess.