DorEm Answers

Dorigen,

Please explain coconut water.

Emily

Emily,

I have nothing bad to say about coconut water.  I think it’s delicious, it’s low in calories and apparently it’s more hydrating than gatorade.  Jeff think’s it tastes like sweat.  

Dorigen

Dorigen,

Please explain a feather earring.

Emily

Emily,

I’ve always been kind of creeped out by feather jewelry.  Mostly because I am freaked out by birds in general, having seen Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds at an impressionable age.  

I am also freaked out by bird-bourne diseases (avian flu anyone?), having read The Andromeda Strain, which I think was actually assigned reading in a middle school science class, at an impressionable age.  I’m sure the feathers used in feather jewelry are not just picked up off the ground in the park, as I imagine they are, but you never can tell when you’re going to be exposed to a virus that could potentially wipe out humanity.  Which could totally happen, as we’ve learned from countless films.  Here is a fun top-ten list of Epidemic Movies to underscore my point. 

Also, that sh*t is tacky.

Dorigen

Emily,

Am I wrong for liking this dress? Please advise.

Dorigen

Dorigen,

I feel like this post should be re-titled “Coachella – Part 3,” because that music festival has done some serious damage to what is considered acceptable in the fashion world.  Please note that the link you provided to purchase this dress, also had some other Coachella related looks, including this little number…

this is a shirt

Like the crocheted blanket they call a shirt, the dress you picked out is see through, and the only place I see anyone going to in these looks is the beach or an outdoor music festival.

Milwaukee's Summer Fest knows the score

If you do not have plans for either, walk away quickly.

Emily

Dorigen,

Please explain facinators.

❤

Emily

Emily,

I didn’t really know what a fascinator was until I started planning for my wedding.  They are basically clip on headpieces; a head accoutrement that falls just short of a hat on the continuum of “things that go on your head.” 

There are all sorts of things I was blissfully ignorant of prior to my wedding, such as:  

Engagement Photoshoots (yikes)

Reception Photo Booths (and the importance of moustaches on sticks)

Eyelash Estensions (so natural looking!)

And of course, The Wedding Blogs To keep you informed of all the trends your wedding will be a failure without. 

Coincidentally, this was around the same time as the Royal Wedding, which really brought fascinators mainstream in the U.S.  

It is traditional in Britain for ladies to wear ridiculous objects attached to their heads at formal events, and I kind of love it.  Here is a fun slideshow of royals in fascinators. 

And here is my fabulous mother-in-law in her fascinator at my own wedding!

So that’s fascinators.  Until the recent British Formal Headpiece Invasion, I think the main use of fascinators in the U.S. was for moms who really wanted you to know their newborn was a GIRL, dammit.  

Fondly,
Dorigen

Dear Dorigen,

We received a question from my girl Danika; and I quote…

Douche prints out. Using homeskillet back in. I am assuming the home slice is also back on the table. Can you please explain pantsuits to me?

YES – “home slice” is definitely on the table, and as far as I’m concerned it never left; however, it does need some Miss. Havisham dusting off.  In fact, Miss Havisham‘s outlook on life would have vastly improved had she used the Urban Dictionary as a word-of-the-day resource.   True of us all.

Also, I will happily explain pantsuits.  First, let’s define our terms, because “pantsuits” and “pant suits” are two very different beasts.

Pant suits can be cute…

No my name ‘aint baby, it’s Jackie, Miss Brown if you’re nasty.

Meanwhile, pantsuits, are not, nor can they ever be, cute.

Yes? My name is Baby...

Who knew (other than Google) that the elimination of a single space would result in such catastrophe?

“Pantsuits” are matchy-matchy, often bright/citrus colored, often elastic-implied, synthetic material outfits that are always worn as a unit.  These are not separates, honey, so don’t even try it.  They are a single step from a nurse’s uniform and worn by ladies a half step away from the nursing home.

I fully plan on wearing these comfort-over-style-sets, while sipping iced tea and eating cheesecake at the Shady Pines retirement home.  Please join me.

Emily

Emily,

I feel like we have ignored the men here.  I wasn’t even sure the casual two-piece suit for men still existed, but lo and behold it does!

Favored by the stylish urban man of a certain age in the 1980s and often seen headed to/from church on a summer Sunday on Lisbon Ave in Milwaukee, this was the casual jazzy alternative to a more formal suit look.  And I am so happy to know this website exists.   For all your colorful suit, walking stick and alligator skin shoe needs!  

Dorigen

Dorigen

Please explain Longchamp…

…and why everyone owns one.

Emily

Emily,

Yeah, I think those are gym bags for rich people?  Or bookbags for Upper East Side highschoolers?  That’s the only reason I can see for someone paying nearly $200 for the privilege of carrying a vinyl bag with a little leather flap with a logo on it.  And I guess they’re French, so that gives them that extra je ne says qua.  I see lots of these on the shoulders of sorority girl types trying to out-logo each other.  Along with these:

And these:

And these:

Next time I’m in Chinatown I ‘ll have to check out what the knock-off situation is on Canal Street.  Here’s a helpful guide for spotting a faux.  Meanwhile, I found this photo on the internets whilst searching for Lilly Pulitzer.  I apologize to whoever’s spring formal this photo is from, but it is Priceless:

Dorigen