DorEm Answers

Emily,

I just bought and returned a maxi dress. And felt good about that decision after reading this:
http://jezebel.com/death-to-the-maxi-dress-a-manifesto-1702248877.

Dorigen

Dorigen,

Loved the article. Hilarious!

Cute on Anthopologie model does not equal cute on Anthropologie patron

And I can relate. I was feeling good about my figure; that is, until I saw pictures of myself in a blue and white striped maxi (during our last CA visit). Totally unflattering; I looked like I was fartin’ around in a nightgown. That maxi dress was immediately donated (I don’t have a burning permit).

I then started researching my body shape – why do some dresses look good on me and others induce binge ice cream consumption? I had always figured I was either apple or hour-glass shaped, which is confusing because these two options really just cancel each other out. But here’s what I’m working with:

1. I have a proportionally large chest and a gut that cannot be ignored.
2. I have “sausage” arms.
3. I nip in a bit at the waist.
4. I also have narrow hips and broad shoulders.

Historically, I’ve been focusing on points 1 and 2, but according to this super simplified quiz, I should have been focusing on points 3 and 4. After answering just one quiz question, it is decided that I have an inverted triangle body shape, and that “gut” actually CAN be ignored (with clever outfitting). 

For me, Maxi dresses only play up the bad, and hide the good, point-for-point, as compared to my above listed characteristics:

1. Maxi dresses hide the gut, I’ll give it that, but really highlight the chest, which I would rather diminish. Maxi dresses often have v-neck tops that require an extra layer of fabric in the form of a modesty tab or camisole; not cute.
2. To counteract all that material on the bottom, maxi dresses are often sleeveless, thus exposing those problematic arms.
3. Maxi dresses are usually empire, nipping in right under the chest, thus further highlighting it. Not every dress can be saved by a belt.
4. Perhaps the sleeveless design is actually helping to narrow the wide shoulders (visually cutting them up), but this becomes a moot point in light of the nonsense going on in points 1-3.

With a decidedly inverted triangle body shape, I need structure.

1. I need to be mindful of neckline (not too high, not to low – baby bear porridge-neckline).
2. Personal preference: sleeves. Sleeves! Ideally elbow-ish length or longer.
3. Dresses that nip in at my natural waistline.
4. Dresses that flare out at the bottom (a-line or a fit-and-flare) to balance out the top.

These are the kinds of things I have been researching during my no-shopping-for-a-year cleanse; 259 days to go. In the interim, these are the summer dresses I will be thinking about.

Love you, 

Em

Dear Emily,

Your beloved J.Crew has just launched a line for babies.  This is an adorable sweater:

The question is, does my 3 month old child need a $93 sweater made out of (hypoallergenic) baby alpaca wool hand knit in Bolivia by “a self-managed community of indigenous women, enabling them to afford proper health care and schooling for their children”?  The answer: No.  What are your thoughts?

Dorigen

Dear Dorigen,

Le sigh.  Le purr.  Le cashmerrrrrrre for babies.

Now, I can understand the obvious connection between babies ‘N cashmere: babies are wonderful and soft and precious and expensive; cashmere is wonderful and soft and precious and expensive.  But, I cannot with babies IN cashmere; these little guys are messy.

If they are lucky, 9 out of 10 babies will be begrudgingly stuffed into one of these tangerine stripped cashmere sweatshirts or a heather grey onesie with a heart/pirate insignia and immediately spew whatever they can all over it, in every impossible direction.  Babies want to be naked anyway, and they don’t understand that this confection wrapped around them cost $178, plus tax and shipping.

Admittedly, I am all for spending a significant price on clothing if need be, i.e. I have said to myself that I will wear these fancy dark wash, straight leg jeans for one year, so I will spend the $129.  But best laid plans something something dark side, because my $129 jeans, purchased oh a few months ago, just ripped a gaping hole in the crotch on my way to work today.  The diligent sew job with the Walgreen’s sewing kit at $4.99 only angered the hole, which reasserted itself more aggressively throughout the day, until I had to then feverishly seek out the nearest Gap for less-than-fancy dark wash, straight leg jeans on sale for $53.  They are mom jeans.

For all that extra spending, I could have just gotten my darling baby niece a darling baby cashmere sweater for a quick snapshot before all the spewing.   So, in about face conclusion, “sure” to baby cashmere, and “absolutely” to sweatpants.

Love you,

Em