Monthly Archives: February 2012

Feb 16 2012
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People

Justin Bieber

Dorigen,

Please explain Justin Bieber.

Heart sign,

Emily

Emily,

What is there to explain?  He’s an adorable Christian Canadian moppet with no pubic hair who sings love songs while affecting a certain R&B “swag.”  He is a perfect non-threatening idol for pre-teen girls.  I believe he’s almost 18 but has shown no visible signs of having entered puberty.  Only time will tell how awkward his transition into adulthood will be.  I, for one, can’t wait.  My favorite factlet about Justin Bieber is that his look has been embraced by certain members of the lesbian community.  See Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber.

.

Dorigen

Feb 16 2012
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People

Dowager Countess

Emily,

Is there some way I can grow up to be like the Dowager Countess of Grantham?  I need to start working on my one-liners.

Dorigen

Dorigen,

Let me first admit that despite frequent recommendations, I have yet to watch Masterpiece Theatre: Downton Abbey.  Your question is foreign to me.  It’s like me asking you how I can be more like my girl Raja from RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 3 (a season, I know you have not yet seen). 

The answer, of course, is to get down to my birth weight and to slightly cross one eye; however, I think the answer to your question about Dowager Countess is more complex, even for an avid viewer.  Still, I’m always up for a challenge and for making some shit up based on very little information (i.e. just the provided video), so here goes…

First off, Maggie Smith is excessively old (damn near 80).  She’s at an age where a status website may soon be posted, a la Abe Vigoda.

Being the oldest person in the room allows for certain advantages, like saying whatever you want, using a vocabulary developed over many years of reading dense literature and the occasional scandalous romance novel.  Oscar Wilde is great homework for one liners.  Developing a distain for all things “modern” seems also necessary for Countess emulation.  Perhaps wear more hats, larger for more superiority. 

One day we will both be so seasoned.

Emily

 

P.S. I am now half way through season 2 of Downton, and am loving it.  I stand by my previous notions about the Countess.

Feb 15 2012
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Things

Gauchos

Dorigen,

Are gauchos just “movement clothes” or do they serve a higher, fashionable purpose?

Emily

Emily,

In short, “movement clothes.” And not very good ones, either.  The wide leg makes working out or otherwise “moving” awkward and potentially dangerous.  I find the extra fabric in even just a boot cut movement pant prone to tangling up and causing potential falls.

I never understood the gaucho  They were hugely popular amongst the young NYC ladies in 2001-03, who all wore them to run their weekend errands about town.  For most women, the low, banded waist, comined with the clingy fabric, created levels of cameltoe or even polterwang seldom experienced before or since.  I do see the following “Hot Fash” brand is available at Sears, which should indicate who might be buying these today. 

Dorigen

Feb 15 2012
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Places

Coachella

Emily,

Does the fact that I’m middle-aged and going to a music festival with my husband mean that I’ve become what I’ve once dreaded: The Aging Hipster?

Dorigen

Dorigen,

You are not an aging hipster.  You are not a Janeane Garofalo.  An aging hipster is a matter of 1) time/place and 2) whatnot.  Allow me to explain:

TIME/PLACE

Long ago, as a senior college student at a small town Midwestern liberal arts college, I attended the first party of the year and found in attendance a guy who had graduated just a few months prior.  He was cool when he attended school and was the same person as before, but he was universally mocked for not immediately moving on with the times.  “What’s HE doing here?  Didn’t he graduate?”

Sometimes the social need to move on has a very tight window.  However, this is not the case in New York City.  You live in a wonderland of adult freedom, where you can do whatever the hell you want for as long as you damn well please, and everyone does so with style.  In New York “aging hipster” is a misnomer for “fashionable sophisticate.”      

image from: The Sartorialist

WHATNOT

Janeane Garofalo is an example of: the “whatnot” that she wears = aging hipster.  There’s even a website defining her as such.

image from: Wake Up Black America

She is stuck in 90’s attire – thick black leather snap bracelets, white wife beater tanks, ill fitting sag jeans, and combat boots.  IF you wear anything truly 90’s (not to be confused with the off-center 90’s redo of Urban Outfitters) to Coachella, then you WILL be an aging hipster.  To clarify, this also includes a white baby T with a full length, floral print, spaghetti strap dress and a frail, synthetic fabric cardigan tied around your waist. 

Just keep it cute, and you’re fine.

Emily

Feb 10 2012
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Things

Jeggings

Dorigen,

Please explain “jeggings.”

Emily

Emily,

“Jeggings” are what used to be called “stretch pants” made out of denim.  They are effectively sausage casings for your legs.  I have a pair that I think are flattering, but I may be wrong.  Every single time I wear them, my husband says “are your jeans tight enough”?  I think this may be his subtle way of suggesting they might not be that flattering.

Dorigen

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