Category Archives: Ideas

This is My Hair – The Art of Lying

Dorigen,

Everything about this video is a fabulous lie, especially “I’m only going to say this once.” Its not even Alaska performing as Alaska the whole time. Brilliant.

There is truth. This IS her hair; she bought it; she has the receipt. And she is owning it.

Also, I like her hair.

Em

Cashmere for Babies

Dear Emily,

Your beloved J.Crew has just launched a line for babies.  This is an adorable sweater:

hug me

The question is, does my 3 month old child need a $93 sweater made out of (hypoallergenic) baby alpaca wool hand knit in Bolivia by “a self-managed community of indigenous women, enabling them to afford proper health care and schooling for their children”?  The answer: No.  What are your thoughts?

Dorigen

Dear Dorigen,

Le sigh.  Le purr.  Le cashmerrrrrrre for babies.

Now, I can understand the obvious connection between babies ‘N cashmere: babies are wonderful and soft and precious and expensive; cashmere is wonderful and soft and precious and expensive.  But, I cannot with babies IN cashmere; these little guys are messy.

If they are lucky, 9 out of 10 babies will be begrudgingly stuffed into one of these tangerine stripped cashmere sweatshirts or a heather grey onesie with a heart/pirate insignia and immediately spew whatever they can all over it, in every impossible direction.  Babies want to be naked anyway, and they don’t understand that this confection wrapped around them cost $178, plus tax and shipping.

Admittedly, I am all for spending a significant price on clothing if need be, i.e. I have said to myself that I will wear these fancy dark wash, straight leg jeans for one year, so I will spend the $129.  But best laid plans something something dark side, because my $129 jeans, purchased oh a few months ago, just ripped a gaping hole in the crotch on my way to work today.  The diligent sew job with the Walgreen’s sewing kit at $4.99 only angered the hole, which reasserted itself more aggressively throughout the day, until I had to then feverishly seek out the nearest Gap for less-than-fancy dark wash, straight leg jeans on sale for $53.  They are mom jeans.

For all that extra spending, I could have just gotten my darling baby niece a darling baby cashmere sweater for a quick snapshot before all the spewing.   So, in about face conclusion, “sure” to baby cashmere, and “absolutely” to sweatpants.

Love you,

Em

2013 Fashion Goals and Whatnot

Dear Dorigen,

I went gluten free and lost 10 lbs, so now I’m looking at clothes that aren’t tents.  Here are my top fashion images for effortless / preppy / boho / equestrian / 60’s librarian / 70’s feminist / aristocrat.  Werk.

prepBOHO_1

Every outfit is improved with a blazer, but I think this image is made by the errand umbrella-let .

I like to think that this shirt is emerald green.

I like to think that this shirt is emerald green and she plays the cello.

tibi.com

tibi.com.

Also, to keep spending to a minimum, I have decided to limit 2013 to obtaining only 5 key pieces:

1) Navy blazer– I may pick it up this weekend, thanks to awesome J-Crew Christmas gift certificates!!!

2) Straight dark jeans – I don’t think I have ever owned the elusive perfect pair of jeans, even when I was a size 6 for a week and a half in 2003.

Oprah-200-lbs-02

Oprah knows what I’m talking about.

3) Button down, collared shirt in white (or black) – so difficult to find a white shirt that is not transparent.

4) Nude flats – penny loafers or oxfords

Sadly the nude color is no longer available (yep, J-Crew)

Sadly, the nude color is no longer available (yep, J-Crew)

5) Summer shoes – this is a necessity, because all of my shoes are somehow boots.  I’m thinking something in a Worishofer, because I am a hipsternt.

man repeller?

What are your fashion goals for 2013?

Love,

Em

Dear Emily,

I love and fully support your vision for 2013 and am jealous that I cannot myself in good faith wear much of what you’ve posted here.  As you may have heard, I am pregnant. This being my first child, I have no idea what I’m doing, what to expect or how to deal with the changes my body is going through.  I guess my fashion goal for 2013 is to be a Cute Pregnant Person.  This is difficult to do when your body changes daily and you have no idea what clothes will fit/look cute a week from now.  All I do know is that my entire current wardrobe looks like crap on me right now.  I am 15 weeks along and have less of a “cute baby bump” than a horrific thickening of the waist and all other body parts which prevents me from buttoning/zipping any of my clothes. 

It seems silly to me to spend tons of money on a new wardrobe that will probably not fit me in 2 months and definitely not fit after I have the baby.  That said, I cannot spend the next six months uncomfortable and hideously dressed.  It’s a conundrum.  I bought one of these:

bella band group-new

Since you have no reason to know about the BellaBand, it is a “seamless maternity band designed to hold up unbuttoned jeans or too loose maternity pants.”  Let me give you a tip: these do not work.  In theory, you are able to wear your regular jeans unbuttoned with this tube of elastic pulled over your crotch and belly and your pants suddenly become comfortable and stay up.  In reality, you are wearing unbuttoned unzipped pants with a tube of elastic over them pressing the button and zipper into the tender skin of your abdomen and utterly failing to keep your pants from falling down or to convince anyone that you are not wearing your jeans unbuttoned and unzipped with a tube of elastic wrapped around them. 

For the moment, I have resorted to wearing leggings all weekend and tights and elasticized-waisted dresses during the week.  Unfortunately, this means I am alternating approximately 3 outfits at work.  I am going to have to do some major maternity clothes shopping and just cringe at the thought of it.  There is some hideous shit out there.   Truth.

onesie

My hope is to be more of a Selma Blair than a Jessica Simpson pregnant lady, but I don’t have the budget of either.

Bad:

jessica

Good:

selma blair

 I am still figuring out this whole thing and will keep you posted. 

Now about those Worishofer sandals…  No.  Please review my comments on the hideous clog mules you were coveting this time last year.
Might I suggest a classic strappy flat from Madewell?  Love these.

sandal

Love,

Dorigen

2012 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 11,000 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 18 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.

Truly Outrageous

Emily,

Please explain Jem and the Holograms and its implication on modern society.

Dorigen

Dorigen,

For the sisters who are uninitiated…

 “Jem and the Holograms” was an 80’s cartoon show about a well-intentioned rock band and their misadventures with a hologram technology that created the alter ego “Jem” for Jerrica Benton, a recently orphaned heiress to a record company and an orphanage for girls. 

As random as that may sound, “Jem and the Holograms” was on point with sitcoms of the 80’s:

  1. they killed off the mom character and
  2. the show was created in collaboration with Hasbro, and many dolls were sold.  They were awesome; albeit manish in comparison to Barbie. 

Those are some big shoes to fill, “girl.”

I recently watched all 65 episodes (mostly in one sitting), and I learned a thing or two about life, love, and sequins.  Basically, that they are all in the same.  Oh, and that song lyrics really only need one phrase put on a repeat mix.

That deep cut was brought to you by the The Misfits, the bad girls to the do-gooding Holograms, and as advertised, they really made some mischief!  Seriously, they nearly kill somebody every episode.  They will cut a b*tch for a pair of hot pants. 

Back on topic… I also learned that, for a children’s show about drag queens (yeah, I said it), “Jem and the Holograms” can be for reals judgmental.  Like in Season 1, Episode 25: Culture Clash, when Jem openly mocked “concept art.”  Darling, with five and a half pink Pomeranians on your head, you are in no position to read.  Also, Jem was having none of the actor from Season 3, Episode 4: Beauty and the Rock Promoter, after he took off his electric beast costume.  (Is that what happened to Robsten?)

So in conclusion, “Jem and the Holograms” is the best PSA for children of any era, who need to learn how to let a man down easy.

Love,

Emily 

Headband

Hey Dorigen,

Winona Ryder was just asking me…

… “when is a headband ok?”  As evidenced by the above, I assume she already knows when it’s not.  Ima read, Ima read, Ima read.

Love,

Emily

Emily,

The only time a headband should be worn is to keep your bangs out of your face during exercise.  (And that is pronounced “ex-SER-seize”):

I may be going out on a limb by saying this, but headbands are not now, nor have they ever been, an acceptable fashion accessory.  Even as a child I was anti-headband.  It may be because I have an oddly shaped head and wore huge plastic-framed glasses, making the 80s version of the headband impractical and somewhat painful.  I was really irritated with Olivia Newton John for giving the cross-forehead headband a fashion moment. 

Meanwhile, OMG, I just watched the video for Physical.  There is a LOT of inappropriate man flesh in there!

At any rate, with a glasses frame going a full inch and a half above my natural eyebrow, there was no way the Olivia Newton John was going to be feasible.  And unfortunately, in 1984, there was no Kim Kardashian to show me how to appropriately adjust my headband to accomodate multiple accessories at once.  Behold the brilliance.  Place headband AT the hairline!

Nope, it still looks stupid.  The 50s style over-the-head headband never worked for me either.  The plastic u-shaped Goody-brand ones from the drugstore pinched my enormous head and also interfered with my glasses, and there’s no way to wear a stretchy “flex-comb” style without looking like a complete asshole.

Actually the over-the-head headband doesn’t really work even if you have a normal-sized head.  It comes off as twee and costumy.  Ask Emmy Rossum:

I don’t know, though. Maybe I’m just biased.  Headbands do seem like they could come in handy when you didn’t have time to wash your hair or have an out-of-control cowlick, but I think it’s safer to just leave them alone altogether.

Dorigen